Journals54
Newest
That one.
1 min read
Have you even known a guy who can smile at you while walking by and you just say to yourself,
..shit...
Jesus.
..shit...
Jesus.
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Things that Run through my head
3 min read
Yes, everything is my fucking fault. It all comes back to me. You all were just trying to help. Let me just give you your time back.
I'm sorry I'm socially inept.
I'd let you take over if I could.
I'm sorry that I try.
I'm sorry that I helped.
I'm sorry I get so close and then pull away.
I'm sorry I care.
I'm sorry I just wanted it to be easier.
I'm sorry you don't understand.
I'm sorry that nothing I do pleases you.
I'm sorry I can't please myself.
I'm sorry I barely even have my own personality.
I'm sorry I allowed you to shape me.
I'm sorry I didn't want you to be wrapped up in my problems so I let your's take the forefront.
I'm sorry I can feel everything you feel.
Did you know that? I can feel EVERYTHING.
I'm sorry I understand.
You all complain about your problems and you don't even realize what you have. I realize I have a nice house, a nice family, people who like, love, me. But you all have the one thing I have EVER wanted.
I just wanna be like you. I want it to be easy. I want something to be mine. I don't want all these words in my head. I don't want to feel like hurting myself and not have the courage to go through it. I want things to be easy. Nothing is easy they say. If you could step in my skin, you could feel the door in my throat making it impossible to swallow. Impossible, not hard. I'm a literal person I'd say hard. I fear death because I can't breathe, I can't swallow. In everything I do I'm good enough to be considered, but not the best. I'm the best at nothing.
I want to be able to touch people without shaking, without the fear of them rejecting me, pulling away. I want to be able to say the right things. I want to be able to be loved whole by one person, and not have to share.
I wanna be selfish. I wanna have a backbone to do things. I don't wanna be scared every single second. I wanna be able to see a future.
I can't even see my self past tomorrow.
But it's my fault. I can see that. All my fucking fault. Sorry. I wasted your time. Iamnothing.
Go one tell my your fears and problems I am empty. Ready for your emotions. You can tell me your pain. It isn't the same. At least you all had SOMETHING. Even my own body betrays me.
I just have to make it through tomorrow.
"I'm fine. What were you saying?"
I'm sorry I'm socially inept.
I'd let you take over if I could.
I'm sorry that I try.
I'm sorry that I helped.
I'm sorry I get so close and then pull away.
I'm sorry I care.
I'm sorry I just wanted it to be easier.
I'm sorry you don't understand.
I'm sorry that nothing I do pleases you.
I'm sorry I can't please myself.
I'm sorry I barely even have my own personality.
I'm sorry I allowed you to shape me.
I'm sorry I didn't want you to be wrapped up in my problems so I let your's take the forefront.
I'm sorry I can feel everything you feel.
Did you know that? I can feel EVERYTHING.
I'm sorry I understand.
You all complain about your problems and you don't even realize what you have. I realize I have a nice house, a nice family, people who like, love, me. But you all have the one thing I have EVER wanted.
I just wanna be like you. I want it to be easy. I want something to be mine. I don't want all these words in my head. I don't want to feel like hurting myself and not have the courage to go through it. I want things to be easy. Nothing is easy they say. If you could step in my skin, you could feel the door in my throat making it impossible to swallow. Impossible, not hard. I'm a literal person I'd say hard. I fear death because I can't breathe, I can't swallow. In everything I do I'm good enough to be considered, but not the best. I'm the best at nothing.
I want to be able to touch people without shaking, without the fear of them rejecting me, pulling away. I want to be able to say the right things. I want to be able to be loved whole by one person, and not have to share.
I wanna be selfish. I wanna have a backbone to do things. I don't wanna be scared every single second. I wanna be able to see a future.
I can't even see my self past tomorrow.
But it's my fault. I can see that. All my fucking fault. Sorry. I wasted your time. Iamnothing.
Go one tell my your fears and problems I am empty. Ready for your emotions. You can tell me your pain. It isn't the same. At least you all had SOMETHING. Even my own body betrays me.
I just have to make it through tomorrow.
"I'm fine. What were you saying?"
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Ten, nine, eight and I'm breaking away
2 min read
Ten Random Things.
I got tagged a really long time ago, but I'm stalling from doing homework.
1. I am very proud of my academic career. I am currently attending College. I am also attending my Senior year of high school. In high school, I am taking three AP classes and Senior Seminar. After exams, I will be picking up another college course.
2. Due to the above mentioned adcademic, one of my pet peeves is teachers who treat me like a idoit elementary student. I'm a senior AND a freshman in college. Back. Off. (It's a bit of a superiority complex)
3. I want to know EVERYTHING. I think I'll love college because they'll let me learn everything.
4. My favorite scent is campfire smoke. I actually have two candle that smell like it.
5. I wanted to be a vet when I grew up, then I didn't and I was lost on what I wanted to be. I just knew it had to have art in it.
6. I am obsessed with classical fairytales and revised fairytales alike.
7. I love brightly colored and intrestingly patterned socks.
8. I want to be dependently independent. I need to prove myself and not bother anyone, but I hate being on my own.
9. I am REALLY nervous to actually go off to college in 6 months. Even though I'm only moving fifteen minutes away, my dad works on campus, and my mom and grandma work next door.
10. My secret is that I am constantly trying to diagnose myself with some sort of mental condition. Wether for attention or because it's the easy way, out I don't know. So of course I get diagnoised with a boring common physical condition.
I got tagged a really long time ago, but I'm stalling from doing homework.
1. I am very proud of my academic career. I am currently attending College. I am also attending my Senior year of high school. In high school, I am taking three AP classes and Senior Seminar. After exams, I will be picking up another college course.
2. Due to the above mentioned adcademic, one of my pet peeves is teachers who treat me like a idoit elementary student. I'm a senior AND a freshman in college. Back. Off. (It's a bit of a superiority complex)
3. I want to know EVERYTHING. I think I'll love college because they'll let me learn everything.
4. My favorite scent is campfire smoke. I actually have two candle that smell like it.
5. I wanted to be a vet when I grew up, then I didn't and I was lost on what I wanted to be. I just knew it had to have art in it.
6. I am obsessed with classical fairytales and revised fairytales alike.
7. I love brightly colored and intrestingly patterned socks.
8. I want to be dependently independent. I need to prove myself and not bother anyone, but I hate being on my own.
9. I am REALLY nervous to actually go off to college in 6 months. Even though I'm only moving fifteen minutes away, my dad works on campus, and my mom and grandma work next door.
10. My secret is that I am constantly trying to diagnose myself with some sort of mental condition. Wether for attention or because it's the easy way, out I don't know. So of course I get diagnoised with a boring common physical condition.
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Feathers in the Wind
5 min read
So as few of you know, I'm an actress.
Over the past month, I've been working on a play called Feathers in the Wind.
I won't bother you with details, but it's about bullying in high school. In this play it focuses on sexuality slurs, religous and cultural difference. It has been emotional tattering for me because for some of those scenes, not only do you have to sell it, it really gives me the shivers.
Anyway, due to the importance the administration puts on this topic, (we even had a three day seminar on this topic by a lecurer specializing in this topic) we did two performances for the school. Unfortunaly, we had a delay due to the nonexistantant fog. This prompted a student at my school to say something to the effect that he was glad he didn't have to see the "gay dumb-ass play."
I hadn't seen this in the morning, but when I arrived to school I heard all the cast talking about the status and all the comments on it, so naturally I looked it up when I got home. 31 comments. Several from the cast members. These were lengthly comments too. But mostly what I saw on this thread was how important and non-important they thought this topic was and how several of the students commenting had tried to kill themselves due to bullying. The main topic in this thread was whether the problem was with students and their lack of self-confidence, and whether they should change or not. Several students supported the play and anti-bullying.
This is my message.
I have been bullied. Often. In my childhood, it got so bad I would fake sick in order to go home and get away from it. It got to a point where my mother told the administration not to even bother calling her unless I was running a fever or throwing up. At this point I don't even remember why I was being bullied. It lessened as the years went on, but I still have very large self-confidence issues. It really bothered me readin some of the comments in that thread about how one cast member was called fat and developed an eating disorder, not to mention tryed to commit suicide. She is one of the most healthliest looking person I know. I however am not skinny of any sort. That's not my self-confidence talking, according to my BMI and height weight charts, I am overwight or whatever you want to call it. So it bothers me when I hear she was bullied and is bullied for her weight. It also bothers me when I see art or ads, or music videos with "fat" individual in them. Becuase those people? They aren't fat. They are healthy and, sure bigger than most, but not fat. I also bothers me when people complain about their "fat" arm or stomach. YOU AREN'T FAT! You know what fat is? Rolls. Handfuls of excessive weight. Armfuls of excessive weight. So people tell you, lose it. No, wait you don't need to lose it, gain confidence, embrace it! Did anyone stop to consider we CAN'T lose it? Not that we don't chose to, some people do. Trust me I would love to be healthy and have a flat tum-tum, especially with my family's history of heart disease, diabetes, etc. But, not only are my genetics working against me, I have a "condition" that also causes me to gain weight. Just like some people can't gain weight, sometimes, we can't lose it. But aside from all of that guess what? I was still nominated for homecoming queen, I still have close friends, and I still have several groups of different friends. I still act. And while you may be saying, Ah a good ending,
That's what other people think of me.
It's all true. But they don't know, like I don't know what happens when they are alone, that I tear myself up. Inside where they can't see. Emotional, Mentally, Physically. Those people who target me because they think I have it all, keep me up all night, make me chew my lips, and cheeks until they are raw, and cut, and sore, until they bleed. But that's not so bad right? It can't kill me, so it's not seroius right? So, sorry if I dare take satification from my acting, from their pain, from seeing them seperated from a group when it's exactly what they were trying to do to me. The way I do it is I know that thankfully there are actual people, with influence that believe in this stuff, and they realize what is happening and they reach out. I'm sorry if you see this and think it's stupid.
Because if you can't accept what someone is, or what they are doing to help, I'm sorry.
You'll just never understand.
Over the past month, I've been working on a play called Feathers in the Wind.
I won't bother you with details, but it's about bullying in high school. In this play it focuses on sexuality slurs, religous and cultural difference. It has been emotional tattering for me because for some of those scenes, not only do you have to sell it, it really gives me the shivers.
Anyway, due to the importance the administration puts on this topic, (we even had a three day seminar on this topic by a lecurer specializing in this topic) we did two performances for the school. Unfortunaly, we had a delay due to the nonexistantant fog. This prompted a student at my school to say something to the effect that he was glad he didn't have to see the "gay dumb-ass play."
I hadn't seen this in the morning, but when I arrived to school I heard all the cast talking about the status and all the comments on it, so naturally I looked it up when I got home. 31 comments. Several from the cast members. These were lengthly comments too. But mostly what I saw on this thread was how important and non-important they thought this topic was and how several of the students commenting had tried to kill themselves due to bullying. The main topic in this thread was whether the problem was with students and their lack of self-confidence, and whether they should change or not. Several students supported the play and anti-bullying.
This is my message.
I have been bullied. Often. In my childhood, it got so bad I would fake sick in order to go home and get away from it. It got to a point where my mother told the administration not to even bother calling her unless I was running a fever or throwing up. At this point I don't even remember why I was being bullied. It lessened as the years went on, but I still have very large self-confidence issues. It really bothered me readin some of the comments in that thread about how one cast member was called fat and developed an eating disorder, not to mention tryed to commit suicide. She is one of the most healthliest looking person I know. I however am not skinny of any sort. That's not my self-confidence talking, according to my BMI and height weight charts, I am overwight or whatever you want to call it. So it bothers me when I hear she was bullied and is bullied for her weight. It also bothers me when I see art or ads, or music videos with "fat" individual in them. Becuase those people? They aren't fat. They are healthy and, sure bigger than most, but not fat. I also bothers me when people complain about their "fat" arm or stomach. YOU AREN'T FAT! You know what fat is? Rolls. Handfuls of excessive weight. Armfuls of excessive weight. So people tell you, lose it. No, wait you don't need to lose it, gain confidence, embrace it! Did anyone stop to consider we CAN'T lose it? Not that we don't chose to, some people do. Trust me I would love to be healthy and have a flat tum-tum, especially with my family's history of heart disease, diabetes, etc. But, not only are my genetics working against me, I have a "condition" that also causes me to gain weight. Just like some people can't gain weight, sometimes, we can't lose it. But aside from all of that guess what? I was still nominated for homecoming queen, I still have close friends, and I still have several groups of different friends. I still act. And while you may be saying, Ah a good ending,
That's what other people think of me.
It's all true. But they don't know, like I don't know what happens when they are alone, that I tear myself up. Inside where they can't see. Emotional, Mentally, Physically. Those people who target me because they think I have it all, keep me up all night, make me chew my lips, and cheeks until they are raw, and cut, and sore, until they bleed. But that's not so bad right? It can't kill me, so it's not seroius right? So, sorry if I dare take satification from my acting, from their pain, from seeing them seperated from a group when it's exactly what they were trying to do to me. The way I do it is I know that thankfully there are actual people, with influence that believe in this stuff, and they realize what is happening and they reach out. I'm sorry if you see this and think it's stupid.
Because if you can't accept what someone is, or what they are doing to help, I'm sorry.
You'll just never understand.
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Happy 3k to me
2 min read
This actually happened a while ago...But THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR 3K!
I'm such a slacker, I never finished Zutara Week (Hangs head)
But on to the FUTURE!
In terms of art I plan on doing two series when I have time.
Photography - Living Doll
My sister thought this up when I asked her for ideas, she'll be the model, this is also one of her halloween costumes. It should be fun. I love photographing her blank face.
Drawing - Regina Spektor
Series based on select Regina Spektor songs, tentativly I think it'll be:
Eet
Two Birds
Folding Chair
Music Box
Hero
Us
Of course this is al depending on whether I have time (TIME WHAT A CONCEPT!)
BECAUSE! I have recently started my Senior Year of High school. I am taking three AP classes and a college course and way too many extra after school activities. So if I find time to do these I will. I mean they told me it would be rigiorous but I didn't really believe them. They got me.
In Other NEWS!
My favorite holiday that doesn't involve presents is coming up! THATS RIGHT! Halloween. This year I'm going as either Revised!Minne Mouse or Revised!Sleeping Beauty. Most of my group of friends are going with me as Disney Characters. I have the coustume designs but I don't know if I'll post them. I also have NO CLUE which one I'll do.
SO
That's it.
I'm such a slacker, I never finished Zutara Week (Hangs head)
But on to the FUTURE!
In terms of art I plan on doing two series when I have time.
Photography - Living Doll
My sister thought this up when I asked her for ideas, she'll be the model, this is also one of her halloween costumes. It should be fun. I love photographing her blank face.
Drawing - Regina Spektor
Series based on select Regina Spektor songs, tentativly I think it'll be:
Eet
Two Birds
Folding Chair
Music Box
Hero
Us
Of course this is al depending on whether I have time (TIME WHAT A CONCEPT!)
BECAUSE! I have recently started my Senior Year of High school. I am taking three AP classes and a college course and way too many extra after school activities. So if I find time to do these I will. I mean they told me it would be rigiorous but I didn't really believe them. They got me.
In Other NEWS!
My favorite holiday that doesn't involve presents is coming up! THATS RIGHT! Halloween. This year I'm going as either Revised!Minne Mouse or Revised!Sleeping Beauty. Most of my group of friends are going with me as Disney Characters. I have the coustume designs but I don't know if I'll post them. I also have NO CLUE which one I'll do.
SO
That's it.
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